"Comedy is tragedy plus time,
but the time is different for everyone."
- Mike Birbiglia
“So much of what is neurotic or damaged about me is the thing I tap into to be creative or to write or to create comedy, it’s all from the wound in some way. I find myself swimming in it creatively and in my imagination to create stories. “
-Writer, director, comedian, Judd Apatow
“Be careful, lest in casting out your demon you exorcise the best thing in you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Listen as you read
Begin Again
This episode begins when I was three years old sitting in a movie theater and having a moment when Disney’s 101 Dalmatians started playing on the big screen. Rich red velvet curtains swung open and through the dark, colored light projected a gigantic musical cartoon with puppy dogs, cats, and a lady villain. In that moment I began a lifelong love affair with cinema. What we loved as children carries over, indelibly, to adulthood.
The first encounter I had with a kitten was in the parking lot of a New Jersey barn turned to shoe store around age 4. I remember being enchanted with a little furry creature who ran when I tried to pet it; the moment still plays in my head as if it were yesterday. Cats have been ruining my furniture ever since.
And … I remember the first time I made my parents laugh.
Humor
Making my parents laugh was the only way I could get their attention other than putting a thermometer on a lightbulb to feign impending death. My role in the family was that of clown and comedian. Humor became my #1 coping skill, … and I needed a lot of coping skills to deal with the consequences of my impulsive, impatient, awkward behavior; something with which you experience when you are highly sensitive and have ADHD.
When I was five, we moved from New Jersey to Miami and my family joined Kings Bay Country Club. Kids waited in line at the ladder to climb a high diving board and jump into the Olympic sized pool beneath. When it was my turn, I’d climb to the top, frolic like a clown down the board to the edge, then stumble into the chloride sea below. I resurfaced as fast as I could because the most important part of the whole act was seeing my parents laugh.
Jumping too Soon
One time I jumped too soon off the diving board. I just missed landing on top of six-year old Seth Kleinberg. A pear shaped Mrs. Kleinberg wobbled over as fast as one could wearing gold high-heel sandals. In her loud floral one piece and New York accent she shouted, “ You almost killed Seth!! What is the matter with you, you’re a terrible little girl.”
My parents activated their emergency child disownment mode and put magazines in front of their faces. No allies there. I did see Seth … but it was shortly after I jumped off the diving board so all I could do was wiggle in midair as best I could to avoid him. Fun fact: Wiggling in mid-air doesn’t really change where you land, gravity is a fairly stubborn like that, but still, I was close, BUT NOT ON TOP of Seth.
I did not like being yelled at by Mrs. Kleinberg, it ruined the rest of my swim. I wasn’t used to being shouted at by adults; my parents’ discipline of choice was a stern look of disappointment paired nicely with a heavy sigh. I thought the words “terrible little girl” were terribly hyperbolic– although I didn’t know the word hyperbolic wback then. (Hyperbolic means of, relating to, or marked by language that exaggerates or overstates the truth). Mrs Kleinberg exaggerated and overstated the truth in front of the world and I did not rebound too quickly. I hang on to embarrassment as long as possible because evidently my obsessive mind seems to enjoy the torture it delivers.
Heart Break
Like my childhood love for movies and cats that turned into adult passions, the diving board incident represented the impulsiveness that followed me into adulthood and made jumping too soon into abyss of life’s awkward moments a common occurrence. I jumped too soon into unsuitable jobs, purchases I later regretted, hot tubs, and romance. Not too long ago, I jumped way too soon into a romance with who I believe was a poor representative of the male gender. As a child, I believed that when you ask a prince, “So how long since your last relationship ended, your majesty?” he would answer honestly. This guy told me he was out of a relationship for two years, so I jumped off the high dive of discernment into the dangerous undercurrent of infatuation; he was the lead singer in a rock and roll band, and you know how that is. The infatuation rendered me delusionally hopeful when I should have maybe taken a little more time to see who he was. Turned out his last girl broke up with him two WEEKS (that’s 14 days or 336 hours) prior to our first date, not two years (a decent amount of time to get over someone) and he was still seriously hung up on her. Four months later when she saw he was spending time with someone new, all of a sudden she had renewed interest in him and plotted to win back his affections … which wasn’t hard since they never faded. So, as the gentleman he was, he told me that I was wonderful, but he was still in love with someone else and that it was best we cease all courting behavior. Just kidding. He was no such gentleman. He didn’t say I was wonderful, nor reveal her actions, his feelings at all or any kind of decency at all. Instead, he took me to New Orleans. [music] Little did I the purpose of them trip was to deepen her envy so he could win her back, nothing more was I, than a pawn in his deceptive ruse. I tried wiggling in mid-infatuation, but like gravity, it didn’t change where I fell. And yes, I know what you're thinking, it was a free trip to New Orleans, but he treated me like an extraneous annoyance the whole time so not even the beignets and jazz music could mollify my anguished confusion because I had fallen for him. Well, okay, the shrimp and grits were good, and so was the jazz, but I assure you, if he was ever in a pool under a high diving board, I would jump right on top of him even if his mom was watching.
Creative Remedies
“Laughter is carbonated holiness.” ~Anne Lamott
There, I feel better about the whole thing now because I wrote about it and put sound effects and music behind it. Humor can lift us out of the abyss of awkward and painful moments so I’m glad it’s been along for the ride.
When one jumps off life’s diving boards too soon, gets a scolding from Mrs. Kleinberg, and a heartbreak from a lead singer in a rock and roll band, so be it. Hurray! I bet you have some stories too, we all do, … life is a tapestry of stories, woven with creativity and the eventual healing that comes from said weaving. Some of my tapestry is woven with silly string because humor is my out of jail card . My childhood love for laughter is stoked by stories that were once painful and now sting less because in a story I can fictitiously jump off a high dive on top of a scoundrel without a the consequences of a law suit. If you’re a highly sensitive person and/or of the ADHD tribe… good news, according to valid studies other than my own first-hand ones, chances are you also have heightened creativity and humor. We get to celebrate those qualities in writing, art, poetry, music, podcasts, and stories that didn’t used to be funny, but now, with a some shrimp and grits, they are…
And public service announcement: It’s best not to jump too soon into a relationship with a writer if you are of a dubious character , you may end up in someone’s podcast.
In my Wild Abandon workshops at Omega and in Italy, the first thing we do is address intimidation, comparison, and high pressure expectations by giving permission to be human. Once out of the way, we are free to be kids, proclaimed artists, writers, and photographers - letting loose so fast (and recklessly, often blind) our work is filled with energy, mystery, and instinctive genius, not to mention playful madness, but I did anyway.
Join me:
Wild Abandon at Omega Institute of Holistic Sciences: New York
October 1-6, 2023. A week of immersing ourselves in Wild Abandon writing, art, photography, and good times in a forest in the Hudson Valley. Register here
Art Walk and Creativity on the Italian Riviera
October 14-20, 2024 Plenty of time to save up for gelato!
I'll be providing the creative part of a tour to the Italian Riviera. Here's the link to sign-up For all levels from beginners to travel-hungry pros.
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